I know now why I am (still) here. It's been bugging me: I am no longer so deeply mired in depression that I could at any moment, at the capricious appearance of the black hold at my feet, cease to exist. So why am I still taking up space in the Cryder household, drawing from their limited resources, neglecting my cat, in some ways keeping my life on hold? God has shown up, He is changing the way I view the world... why am I still here?
Because I have to learn to live in community. And that does not mean the prosaic things I have come to read into that phrase. My view of Christian spirituality and the gospel has been badly skewed, in the belief that a personal, solely vertical relationship with God is all that is necessary to live a Christian life.
"Love thy neighbor as thyself." I have failed on both counts.
First, the statement presupposes that I love myself. Clearly, that has not been the case (a topic to be elaborated upon at another time).
Just as crucially, to "love your neighbor" is not some elusive, ephemeral instruction a la the Hippocratic oath, "First do no harm." It is not sufficient to simply not hurt, or even to be overtly kind, to the humans who happen to stumble across your path. Rather, we are exhorted to actively engage in our concentric circles – our households, our immediate communities, and the world at large, and to be an active force for good as we (hopefully) become more and more like Jesus.
And I have to start from scratch, because I have forgotten (or lost sight of) the basic tenets of societal interaction. * This is not something I can learn or do alone. * And I cannot conceive a more conducive venue for my re-education in the participation in community than within the confines (often not very 'confined' at all!) of this tremendous family, this microcosm of the All Souls community at large.
Perhaps there is hope for me after all, now that I see this with relative clarity...
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