June 17, 2009

Bleck.
That's the technical term for how I feel this morning. I considered just staying in bed and pretending this day wasn't happening, but that's harder to pull off in a house full of people (school's out!). So maybe, just maybe, if I do my best person imitation, I can convince myself that I'm actually human.

Is it just sickness, or is the depression creeping back? I feel like I'm at the bottom of a well, physically and emotionally. I seem to have hit a dead end in my progress, and now I'm half coasting, half backsliding in the same well-worn grooves I keep trying to claw my way out of. Christian must be so sick of me. Please, Lord, help me to want to learn to pray with him. Not to impress him or to get him off my case, but for Your glory and my spiritual progress. I feel stuck, and part of me wants to stay stuck. God, help me desire to get unstuck from these patterns!

"With my voice I cry out to the Lord;
with my voice I plead for mercy to the Lord.
I pour out my complaint before him;
I tell my trouble before him.    (Psalm 142:1)

Stop thinking about how hard it is to talk to God in front of someone else. What the worst that could happen? Just thinking about it brings on feelings of panic and inadequacy. But you have to get over it. Christian's right – it's incredibly selfish and unfair for me to get a glimpse of his soul each morning while I keep mine safely hidden away.

Please give me the strength, courage, and desire to keep moving forward on this path toward You. You have certainly provided all the opportunity in the world. And please heal me, make me well, with Your oil of gladness. I feel simply awful, and makes thinking in a straight line without getting sidetracked nearly impossible. I know that this is all somehow part of Your plan, but I don't understand it and I just want to be healthy. Please help. I feel like I'm sinking, and the more I struggle, the worse it gets.