Family Visits

My dad won't come to see me. He thinks I'm too messed up. That somehow it will be too hard on him, or too hard on me, or some combination of the two. He won't come. And neither will anyone else in my family.

Liturgical Living (Question the Second )

Question 2. Where in your life are you doing (or not doing) something simply out of love for God? eg. not b/c you're supposed to, not b/c you have to, not b/c it's good for you, but simply out of love for God and Jesus? - list some examples, and come up with some additional ways you could do this.

I find the second question way more convoluted. We (Christian and I) talked a little about motivations, and how messy they are. We (Marilyn and I) talked a little about the line between self-focus and self-awareness...

The short answer, in all honesty, is that I don't think I can say I'm doing anything solely out of love for Jesus. That's why I asked for concrete examples, because I'm not sure anyone can ever answer with complete honesty and confidence that their motivations are entirely, one-dimensionally, vertically focused. We're broken. We're tangled. We can strive to have God be our primary motivation, but I think that's as far as (at least I) can go.

So, setting semantics and over-thinking aside, let me try to answer the best I can:

It's hard, because right now so much seems focused on survival. There's a quote from the '90s movie Sleepless in Seattle; a friend asks the guy who's just lost his wife what he's going to do: 

"Well, I'm gonna get out of bed every morning... and breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while, I won't have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out."

Perhaps a better example is from Ed Welch's depression book (p. 55):

"If you are depressed, you are going to have to learn to be a liturgical worshiper. If you wait until you feel motivated to worship, you might be waiting a long time. If you are remotely inclined to communicate with God, you might find that words fail you and you have nothing to say. When you drag yourself to worship, the service had better be mapped out ahead of time."

In this quote (as in so many things in life), worship is (or ought to be) synonymous with life. C.S. Lewis has that quote about the best way to acquire a quality in real life is to behave as if you had it already. Taking his advice, I'm doing my best humanity impression. I still have to remind myself to get out of bed. To shower. To tackle breakfast. I try to establish a routine: read my Bible, pray a Psalm, write in my journal, take a bike ride in the sunshine while listening to a Keller sermon (of which I need more suggestions, by the way...)

It still feels like it's all on the surface. A to-do list that, if carried out consistently and intentionally, could lead to real life and relationship with the real Person of Jesus. There are many things I'm doing in hopes that I will one day be able to do them out of sheer, abounding joy that God loves me and I love him. I'm reaching for that. I can't see it yet. But feelings lie, right?

Liturgical Living (Question the First)

Question 1. Where do you feel joy and gratitude in your life right now? - can you find it? are you thanking God for it? are you asking him for more of it?

Answer #1:
My life feels very small right now. So it's a small list constituted of seemingly small things. The list looks remarkably similar to one you had me make back in July (here's a cut-and-paste):

Things I am thankful for...
For yet another glorious Montana summer morning

My wonderful neurotic Scout-monster
An adopted family who keeps me accountable yet loves me in the midst of my messiness

An actual family who's always got my back

Good food, and the ability to enjoy it again

The financial security to have a nervous breakdown and have it not ruin me

A body that still works even when it's cranky about it

A place to sleep where I feel safe

Sleep in general

The ability to feel again even when I don't like what, or how much, I feel

The opportunity to serve, in whatever small way, in this fledgling community of other messes

You also had me make a list in October of what I was asking God, in hopes that cataloguing it might help me see progress (yet another cut-and-paste):

Please take all of me, even the parts that I'm holding back without realizing it, and make me into the person You want me to be. Not just “fix” me, but recreate me according to Your plan.





Please give me joy, at something, anything. It ends up coming out as “Give me BACK that love of life that I used to have.” but it's not a desire to move backwards... I just want to feel something positive, some energy, and what I once felt is the only frame of reference I have.



Please help me DESIRE to move forward.




SLEEP. Please provide sleep.


Please give me my appetite back.


Please give me a vision for the future; or at least make it so I don't freeze up or freak out when I try to think more than a day or two ahead.


Please help me see hope, and progress, and be able to praise You for it.


Please help me be able to pray. The Psalms, since I don't seem to have my own words. There's so much there, and I can't seem to make the connections, or get the words out, or do anything but shut down. And the more often I fail, the harder it gets. Please remove the walls, and let the words flow.


Please BREAK THROUGH. Help me believe that You love me. Tear down the walls. Yes, I know that I built them, but now I can't seem to un-build them. Please come find me.

Please give me the ability (and desire!) to talk to people – to ask for help, to reach out and offer encouragement... I'm not really sure what to ask, I'm in such unfamiliar territory here...



This list is more helpful in today's context, because there are a few concrete things that have moved in a positive direction.
–I do DESIRE to move forward.
–I have started sleep, if sporadically, again.
–The rest remain mostly prayer requests. I still desperately need a vision for what God's future for me looks like. And I feel like a primary thing (person? people?) I need is a prayer partner(s). Do they still do women's prayer group of any kind? I mentioned DNA groups to Ryan, but haven't heard back. Morning prayers were very helpful to me. When it's just God and me, I often don't know where to go.

And most importantly, I'm still asking God to break through, to reveal himself, to help me believe that he loves me.

Here's my thankful list for TODAY:
–For the springtime, and the sunshine that truly seems to lift my spirits
–That my stomach no longer hurts all the time like it had since mid-February
–For 3 consecutive nights of reasonable sleep
–For the ability to focus on the things I'm reading – being able to process and make sense of them, with the ongoing hope that all these dots will one day form a coherent whole (I could use another "Eowyn moment sometime soon.)

I am thanking God for these things. I am asking that he help me see more of the good stuff. I am looking for opportunities to reach out to others. I remain insanely grateful to my adopted family for all they have done for me. And yet I'm afraid to say that I love them and miss them, for fear of being told that I'm hanging on to the past. But I do miss you all. And I don't think that's a bad thing. You have changed my life, and God orchestrated that, and my love for your family – not what you did for me, not what you can do for me – is very real and present. I'm moving forward, and I'm still failing to understand why that means we can't move forward, at least in some ways, together. I will never be able to prove to you the motivations of my heart, the moment I discover that Jesus is way more beautiful to me than your family is. There's nothing I can do about that. All I can do is my best. But even though all this hurts, it remains a fundamental thing that I feel joy and gratitude for.

Good Things

Marilyn and I met yesterday to talk about some things, and she suggested that I share this list that we made with you guys and my community group (well, she wrote it, but I agree that it's true). These are some of the good things that are happening in my life, to hopefully give you a better idea of how you guys can be praying for me:

Good Things

–I can read and focus. This was not true just a week ago.

–I don't feel angry all the time. This also was not true a week ago.

–I'm able to participate and contribute in community group, with what God is showing me.

–Every week, God (miraculously) enables me to write a worship guide.

–I have a community who loves me.

–I have family who loves me.

–I have a God who loves me and is working.

–God knows me, and is slowly but surely making me more like Jesus.

And there you have it.

Specifics "to do"

K, here's what we talked about doing for the next week.

1. Keep praying to repent for your anger towards God and others and your demand for control of the situation.
2. Ask God to give you the faith to walk forward.
3. Say out loud "I am going to decide to believe this, help my unbelief. I am going to believe that God forgives me and I am going to forgive myself."
4. Read out loud the last verse of Hebrews 11 and the first few verses of Hebrews 12

Love you!! See you tomorrow night!!

Lost in the Wilderness (Part 2)

Almost three months have passed since my first “homework assignment” under Ryan's counsel. I thought including my initial failed attempt might be an interesting way to begin today's writing. Little did I know that day what my wilderness, my exile, would soon look like. But here we are.

I finally found enough focus to read Hebrews 11 this morning. I'm betting you're familiar with it, at least the ESV version. Here's part of what's in The Message:

The fundamental fact of existence is that this trust in God, this faith, is the firm foundation under everything that makes life worth living. It's our handle on what we can't see. By faith, we see the world called into existence by God's word, what we see created by what we don't see.

By an act of faith, Abel brought a better sacrifice to God than Cain. It was what he believed, not what he brought, that made the difference. That's what God noticed and approved as righteous. It's impossible to please God apart from faith. And why? Because anyone who wants to approach God must believe both that he exists and that he cares enough to respond to those who seek him.

 I'm so clear on the “exists” part. It's the “cares” part that keeps getting all tangled up. Because I, like this great cloud of witnesses, can't see, can't control, can't understand. They got through it. By trusting, by faith, by believing that what looked like an out-of-control disaster was actually God's plan.

That section in “Christ Plays” on God and his absence/silence being a normal part of the human experience was very helpful. I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet. Because, in all honesty, this separation is proving way worse than even I had managed to imagine. It's so much more than just not sleeping under your roof anymore. Or being underfoot all the time. Or being able to voice an inspiration before it skitters away and I lose my grasp on it. Now the silence is everywhere.

Trust. That's what it all comes down to, right? And I do trust you guys. Honestly. The circumstances simply spun so completely out of our control, so fast, that I totally freaked out. I say that like it's in the past, but it's really not. Marilyn, I told you last week that that is my fundamental struggle right now. I can't figure out how to trust when it feels like the rules (or circumstances) keep changing.

So although the trust thing is key, I'm finding that I have to work on the anger thing first. Because I am angry, mostly at myself (for breaking all my own rules and letting my guard down – it was supposed to be a good thing, and then it felt like it just made things worse), and at God (because if he's not at the heart all this, then we're all wasting our time.)

Forgiveness. Believing God can actually forgive me for all my stupidity. That I have some worth in his eyes, and not just yours. Putting this whole disaster in his hands and resting, trusting that he won't just find some way to work it out, but has had it planned out all along. That's a lot of stuff to work through, especially now that I'm not sure when I have access to the wonderful people who have been helping me on that journey.

It's really hard to even tackle any of this spiritual stuff, because my body feels so awful. So you're aware, today I did start trying to go back on the Zoloft, that same low dose I tried back in December. I'll just have to see how it goes. And my weight is so low now that I am struggling with everything. Karen was kind enough to cook some meals and freeze them for me, and I am genuinely trying to 'eat through the pain.' But I have still only slept through the night once since I've been here, and it is starting to severely cloud my judgment.

And when my focus starts to get all scattered and I can't read or think, I unfortunately relearned the trick that a beer actually helps. But I'm doing that too often, and I have to stop doing it alone, because sometimes I can't seem to stop. You both know how much I hate admitting that kind of stupidity, but I need you to know that it's happening. I need accountability, because my own personal accountability has been sucking. I can't keep it in the house. It's just too easy to fall into the trap.

It's so hard to see this (almost literal) “exile” not as punishment, but as restoration. I long for this shalom you speak of. I long to know what wholeness feels like. I need to keep talking. I still need my family and my counselors. Thank you for continuing to forgive my failings. Please continue to include me in your lives. I need Jesus, and I feel so alone.

In the words of a famous sticky note that sits in the front page of my Bible...
I'm sorry.
I love you.
I want you to walk through this with me.
Please pray for me.

Jeni

What Do I Believe?

What do I believe? What do I know with certainty, at least the majority of the time? Not just with my head, but with my heart?

I'm afraid I have to start by answering a question with a question – how do I tell the difference between what is in my head and what is in my heart? Tim Keller talks about “descending with the mind into the heart,” which sounds good, but again, I'm not sure how that plays out.

Do I believe that God exists? Absolutely.

Do I believe that God is in control? I believe that he could be if he so chose, but that for reasons surpassing my understanding, he decided that free will was key. So that's where it gets tricky. To some extent, sure, he's in control, but he gives us enough slack on our leashes to hang ourselves with. All things may work together for good in the long run, but when it comes to individual decisions, it seems like we're pretty much at the mercy of our own stupidity.

Do I believe that God is good? Fundamentally, yes. And I believe that he can make good out of even the biggest messes we make. But he still lets the messiness happen, and since he functions on a timetable that is completely... other... I don't know how we are supposed to see him working. We're just too small.

Do I believe God is good for me? I'm not sure that he sees me most of the time. I fall through the cracks. I call out and hear... silence.

It's no secret that I struggle to trust. You know I have trouble with the intangible; it's not coincidental that for months you guys had to say to me, “As real as this hug is, that's how real God is.” “We love you, Jeni, but God loves you way more.” “Our love for you is a picture of how God loves you.” “This is the kingdom of God breaking in.” Up to a point, if I couldn't believe it for myself, you said you could believe it for me. We've passed that point, and I don't know how to take the next step on my own. Bebo Norman has a song with the lyric, “When your faith is hard to find, you can borrow mine.”

I feel like I'm living on borrowed faith.

You say that things really can be known for certain. My circumstances tell me that even things that appear to be set in stone can crumble in an instant. And that doesn't even get me to the mess of my feelings. That's where things really start to get ugly.

Micah told me on Sunday that for years, he's been unable to see that God is working, but that since I moved in, he can now see God working all over the place. I don't know what that means. What is it that he sees? What do people see that shows them that God is working, here and now, among us? To me it mostly just looks like a jumbled mess.

I do see that God saved my life through your family. That is something that I know for certain. What I can't understand is why he would go to the trouble, breaking down all the defenses, slowly building that tentative trust, making me believe that maybe, just maybe, I might be lovable after all, if he was just going break me all over again. God sees all my biggest fears. And he continues to either (a) allow or (b) orchestrate them into coming true.

I can't figure out how to reconcile the two sides: one side is that we need people, a family, a community, to point us to God, to help us see what we can't see ourselves. The other is that we can't rely on that family, that community; ultimately, our trust has to be in Christ alone. So how do you get from the signpost to the destination if the sign can't be relied on?

Let's say for a minute that God is in control of what has happened in the past month or so. That he uses bad decision-making processes and shallow-minded people and broken promises to move people closer to him. This is not a God that makes sense to me. Again, if I can't trust the people who are pointing me to God, how am I supposed to trust the God they are pointing to?

Yes, I'm ranting, but that's what blogs are for.

I want to believe. I want a God who is way bigger than me, and by definition, that's going to be a God I can never truly understand. I'm so tired of it being about me. My brain is a labyrinth, and I'm lost inside it. Even with guidance I kept getting off track, but then I had someone, several someones, to show me the way back. Now not only am I lost, but I know what I'm missing.

I miss you guys. I miss being integrally involved in something I believe in, something good, something real. I miss being a Cryder. Being a friend is a pale shadow when you've tasted what it is to be family. I am lonely, and I have no social skills, and I'm reaching for a God who seems to keep moving away. I am reaching. I do want him. And I can't find him. And he doesn't seem to care enough to find me.