I ought to have done this ages ago. This should have been the starting point of my counseling, with whomever I started counseling, this fall. These are straight out of my journal of the past year, beginning the week after I came to live with the Cryder's. I know you guys are busy, but backlogging these entries is as much for me as it is for you. At least you can't see the tears falling as I type them in and remember... I hope that maybe, just maybe, it will help all of us figure out what happened and where to go from here.
May 6, 2009
REMEMBER THIS DAY. Remember that it is possible to feel not only human, but to have the "Jeni meter" pegged back up into the 'normal' range, whatever that might mean, by the grace of God. DO NOT LOSE THIS MOMENT IN TIME, when the clouds roll in and God seems distant and surreal. Remember the image of Christian praying with you and for you, and hold tightly to the truth that Jesus' touch is that real, that God is not an intellectual concept to be pondered but a person to be reckoned with.
Remember that God does not just allow suffering. He orchestrates it, and that is a good thing. "Those who sow in tears shall reap with song of joy." (Psalm 126:5) There is a point to all of this. There is a plan. I have been given a window of mercy through this time of acceptance into the Cryder family, as just a tiny glimpse of how much God actually loves me. It's real, and it's true, and how I feel on a given day does not change that.
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