May 6, 2009

May 6, 2009

I strive today to get some heretofore convoluted thoughts and tangled feelings on paper lest they slip away and twist into knots once more.

Lying in bed last night here at the Cryder's, I found myself (unsurprisingly) talking to Toni. I told her I was sorry, but that I had to move on with my life. The sense of guilt engendered by such a simple statement sent me spinning again. Christian asked me this morning what I was thinking, when I looked sad, and all this crap came out. Welcome to my crap. Let's see if I can record this in an intelligible fashion, as I am still trying to unravel it myself.

I have allowed (perhaps even embraced) the idea that Toni is my identity. That is to say, I have given my identity over to her, for making me who I am, rather than to God. That is in part why I struggle and strain and feel guilty to move on. Living my life in the sunshine and shadow of God's love is not a betrayal of Toni. It is a gift. I feel I ought to be able to be more eloquent about that, but it's new. 

I had myself convinced it was the anger and inability to forgive [her stupidity] that held me back. And that is there as well, and it is tangled up with Mom, and money...

The shadows loom large as I turn out the lights tonight. That's a lousy image, but it feels true.