I feel like I said things pretty well to Christian last night, putting words to my struggle, and now I can't quite retrace my train of thought. Something about this gi-normous gap I'm feeling between the "identify your God-substitutes and repent for them" and "wait and trust God." Yeah, it doesn't make sense to me anymore either. All I know for certain is that I'm missing steps in there somewhere, and I keep getting lost.
How do you fall in love? I have no clue. How do I build a relationship of love and trust with God when I can't manage to do it with the people right next to me? And the inevitable answer is, you can't. God has to bridge the gap. And the frustration and discouragement kick in. Because I don't know where to go from there.
This entire realm of 'relationship' is so foreign to me, so alien to my experience... if God is right there right now trying to break in, would I even recognize it? Sometimes I think I'm missing that piece of my humanity entirely, or that maybe it's just been beaten out of me. To say it has atrophied doesn't ring true, since I never felt like I had it. So I don't know what to do.
I know others are seeing supposed progress in me. All I feel is tired and old, and getting exponentially more exhausted and older by the day. My world feels small and constricted. Where is this freedom that has been promised?
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