November 5, 2009

I'm starting to (at least attempting to) read my Bible with a (from a?) different perspective: Not "what can I get out of this?" but "How can I get in on this?" I want to live a better story. As Peterson puts it, "living life as a pilgrimage in the company of Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, and Moses, and following Jesus.. in our daily, ordinary, working and worshiping lives." (Christ Plays)

And how do I go about living a better story? By somehow getting in on the Big Story. Isn't that the whole point of the Incarnation? Humans in their fallen state had chosen (and continue to choose) to live small, huddled lives. We turn inward. We doggedly protect our little perimeters, our limited spheres of influence. We build walls to keep the scary stuff out. And the walls slowly suffocate us. They leave us cramped and constricted, unable to see the vastness of creation all around us. We are supposed to be created in the image of God! How have we come to this?!?

And then God sends His Son "to share our human nature, to live and die as one of us, to reconcile us to you, the God and Father of all." (Book of Common Prayer p. 362)

November 2, 2009

How do I hang on to this feeling? If I try to grasp it with both hands, will it just flit away? Yesterday I was a million years old, with no hope of parole from this self-constructed prison. This morning I feel curiously like...me. [Even as I write that, my inner Puddleglum mutters something about the intransigence of contentment...]

But let us not focus on yesterday. Today, I choose to move forward. I don't even know what that looks like. I'm not even entirely certain what it means. And I know that God has been moving me forward even without my comprehension or even seeming willingness. I know I will stumble, I know I will fall, but I asked for a glimmer of hope, and awoke to find it.

Still 11/2

I feel tangentially like myself this morning. My left brain wants to take this (rare of late) opportunity to analyze the feeling, turn it around and examine it from all angles, even get down on paper what it felt like at the bottom of the pit from a cogent perspective. (Perversely, in the pit I can't see clearly enough to cobble words together, and emerging into the sunshine, coherent thoughts of the darkness flee into the corners, seeking safety.)

Of course, my right brain wants to just enjoy the moment. Thinking about the demons seems to summon them forth, to call their names. I want some free, unfettered air in which to breathe, if only for the day, and pointing my brain in the direction of The Nothing (see “The Never Ending Story”) lets the darkness seep back in around the edges. I just want to stand in the sunshine of this moment of untwisted, uncomplicated HOPE and bask in the sudden conviction that God really is answering my prayers.

That said, how can I ever unravel the darkness if I fear to look directly at it?

October 31, 2009

I sit on the couch, ruminating on what I should commit to writing, while Christian edits the worship guide on the other couch...

This is what my life has become – and I'm learning to be at peace with it, to enjoy it even, while at the same time not becoming complacent or too comfortable in it. I want to keep moving forward. Higher up and deeper in. Please draw near to me, as I continue to try to do the same.

October 29, 2009

Frustration abounds.

Discouragement runs rampant.

And it turns out that discouragement is contagious. I can't seem to move forward. Hell, I'm struggling to want to move forward. I felt like I was doing okay for a while, and then somehow while I wasn't paying adequate attention I started digging my heels in without even meaning to, without even realizing I was doing it, and now I have lost momentum and can't seem to master the laws of physics and get moving in the intended direction once more. Part of me hates myself – when I can even recognize this person I have devolved into as 'myself' anymore...

Journal entries:

10/28

Frustration abounds.

Discouragement runs rampant.

(And it turns out that discouragement is contagious, since I seem to be making Christian feel like he doesn't know what the hell he's doing.)

I can't seem to move forward. I felt like I was doing okay for a while, and then somehow while I wasn't paying attention I started digging in my heels without even meaning to, without even realizing I was doing it, and now I have lost momentum and can't seem to master the laws of physics and get moving in the intended direction once more. Part of me hates myself – when I can even recognize this person I have devolved into as 'myself' anymore...

Time to make a coherent list of what I am actually asking God at present, in hopes that cataloguing this will help me to see actual progress... So here goes:

• Please take all of me, even the parts that I'm holding back without realizing it, and make me into the person You want me to be. Not just “fix” me, but recreate me according to Your plan.

• Please give me joy, at something, anything. It ends up coming out as “Give me BACK that love of life that I used to have.” but it's not a desire to move backwards... I just want to feel something positive, some energy, and what I once felt is the only frame of reference I have.
• Please help me DESIRE to move forward.
• SLEEP. Please provide sleep.
• Please give me my appetite back.
• Please give me a vision for the future; or at least make it so I don't freeze up or freak out when I try to think more than a day or two ahead.
• Please help me see hope, and progress, and be able to praise You for it.
• Please help me be able to pray. The Psalms, since I don't seem to have my own words. There's so much there, and I can't seem to make the connections, or get the words out, or do anything but shut down. And the more often I fail, the harder it gets. Please remove the walls, and let the words flow.
• Please BREAK THROUGH. Help me believe that You love me. Tear down the walls. Yes, I know that I built them, but now I can't seem to un-build them. Please come find me.
• Please give me the ability (and desire!) to talk to people – to ask for help, to reach out and offer encouragement... I'm not really sure what to ask, I'm in such unfamiliar territory here...

October 28, 2009

I'm struggling to figure out how to move forward. I know Christian gets frustrated with me, and I with him. Sometimes I think how much freer my world would be if I could communicate without a filter, like he does. But oftentimes that results in my getting mixed and conflicting data about where I stand – where I've come from, what I'm moving toward.

Now, I'm an intelligent, thoughtful adult. Whyever would I base my vision of myself on my counselor's unfiltered musings? Because I can't see myself clearly at present. So when he tells me that God is doing amazing things in my life, I try to take it on faith. Which leads inexhorably to pitfalls: Because then, when he tells me I need another voice in my life, that I need more vision than he can give me, what my hyper-sensitive brain hears is: God's not really doing amazing things in your life. You're beyond help. You're more than I'm willing or able to deal with. I hear I am once again a failure, that he is giving up on me and farming me out, and I shut down. (Which proves his theory.)

October 27, 2009

It's Tuesday night, and since there's no "South Pacific" tonight, it's time for Explorers group, working through Traveling Light: Modern Meditations on St. Paul's Letter of Freedom.

Why do I mention this? Because Peterson's extrapolations and sweeping generalities about FREEDOM (specifically how easy it is to acquire: "It's right there. It's a gift. Just reach up and receive it!") are really starting to piss me off. Enough with your vague over-generalizations! Let's get right down to it: HOW?!? No, I don't expect my faith and personal relationship with God to be broken down into some banal formula, but stop telling me how easy it is and give me some actual, practical guidance, wonder boy!

October 23, 2009

It's a dark, rainy afternoon.
I haven't written anything for weeks. No wonder things are starting to seep through the edges of my defenses...

What happened Sunday? (Big meltdown during "Benediction" at worship in the lobby). It was as if I had turned everything off when I started to get sick (pneumonia, etc.), shut down, but the crap didn't go away – it just got backlogged and then when the barrier broke I got the dubious privilege of feeling everything (or at least all the bad stuff) all at the very same time.

I'm running spot for the run of "South Pacific" at MCT, because Christian thinks it will be good for me to follow through on something. Who knows – he may even prove to be right, although thus far I'm not having any fun at all. It's intensely frustrating... and I'm failing to sleep again... and my hard-won skills of praying out loud seem to have degraded back in the direction whence they came... and now that so many of my defenses are down I'm scared and shaky all the time... and I can't seem to get what I believe to travel from (or with) my head down into my heart... and I'm frustrated with God, and all this bloody talk of freedom...