January 25, 2010

Read Psalm 27.

New year, new journal.

Unfortunately, I seem to have nothing to say. But my 'assignment' is to try to get how I'm feeling on paper, so I can get a clear view of the terrain of this particular part of the wilderness rather than running screaming and just getting lost in another part.

It comes in waves, like a seemingly unbreakable cycle. Whether this free-floating anxiety is the "wilderness behind the wilderness" of depression, sickness, pain, and insomnia, or just the flip-side of the depression coin, it feels like there's an elephant sitting on my chest. I can't quite breathe, and I want to climb out of my own skin. My body is working way too hard, fighting an at least invisible and perhaps non-existent enemy. As if whatever energy I manage to find is all getting used up in the wrong places. To feed the elephant. But if I starve it, I'll just crash, headlong into the other side of the cycle.

I don't want to feel this way. But I don't know how to make it stop, or even how not to let it control me. And yes, I've prayed about it. I'm trying really hard to let go, to trust, to 'wait for the Lord'... but trying really hard gets me nowhere. The options are:

– God doesn't know what's going on, or doesn't care,
– God can't fix it,
– God chooses not to fix it, or, more accurately, is engineering this whole disaster for my own good, as part of His greater plan.

[Here's an aside from me today, April 15, 2010 – the 'disaster' I recall referring to is the combination of the pipes in my house freezing in early December, which I couldn't seem to get a handle on or figure out how to get fixed, and what I perceived as an 'ultimatum' that I had to start counseling with Aaron or Ryan, which made me feel like Christian had given up on me, that I was no longer worth his time, that all the talk of "I am so thankful for you" had fallen by the wayside in light of just how messed up I am.]

Believing that the correct answer is the last one is small consolation (or none at all) in the moment. And telling me to 'choose to be encouraged' does nothing to dislodge the elephant. If you're stressed to the breaking point because you're crippled by stress and anxiety for no apparent reason, where does it end? Again, I can't breathe.

Yes, I see that financial security is an idol for me, a trigger. Yes, I know that I instinctively run into myself when I feel threatened or insecure. But self-awareness doesn't seem to get me any further than trying really hard does.

I need a starting point. I need a guide. Because right now I'm just lost.