October 31, 2009

I sit on the couch, ruminating on what I should commit to writing, while Christian edits the worship guide on the other couch...

This is what my life has become – and I'm learning to be at peace with it, to enjoy it even, while at the same time not becoming complacent or too comfortable in it. I want to keep moving forward. Higher up and deeper in. Please draw near to me, as I continue to try to do the same.

October 29, 2009

Frustration abounds.

Discouragement runs rampant.

And it turns out that discouragement is contagious. I can't seem to move forward. Hell, I'm struggling to want to move forward. I felt like I was doing okay for a while, and then somehow while I wasn't paying adequate attention I started digging my heels in without even meaning to, without even realizing I was doing it, and now I have lost momentum and can't seem to master the laws of physics and get moving in the intended direction once more. Part of me hates myself – when I can even recognize this person I have devolved into as 'myself' anymore...

Journal entries:

10/28

Frustration abounds.

Discouragement runs rampant.

(And it turns out that discouragement is contagious, since I seem to be making Christian feel like he doesn't know what the hell he's doing.)

I can't seem to move forward. I felt like I was doing okay for a while, and then somehow while I wasn't paying attention I started digging in my heels without even meaning to, without even realizing I was doing it, and now I have lost momentum and can't seem to master the laws of physics and get moving in the intended direction once more. Part of me hates myself – when I can even recognize this person I have devolved into as 'myself' anymore...

Time to make a coherent list of what I am actually asking God at present, in hopes that cataloguing this will help me to see actual progress... So here goes:

• Please take all of me, even the parts that I'm holding back without realizing it, and make me into the person You want me to be. Not just “fix” me, but recreate me according to Your plan.

• Please give me joy, at something, anything. It ends up coming out as “Give me BACK that love of life that I used to have.” but it's not a desire to move backwards... I just want to feel something positive, some energy, and what I once felt is the only frame of reference I have.
• Please help me DESIRE to move forward.
• SLEEP. Please provide sleep.
• Please give me my appetite back.
• Please give me a vision for the future; or at least make it so I don't freeze up or freak out when I try to think more than a day or two ahead.
• Please help me see hope, and progress, and be able to praise You for it.
• Please help me be able to pray. The Psalms, since I don't seem to have my own words. There's so much there, and I can't seem to make the connections, or get the words out, or do anything but shut down. And the more often I fail, the harder it gets. Please remove the walls, and let the words flow.
• Please BREAK THROUGH. Help me believe that You love me. Tear down the walls. Yes, I know that I built them, but now I can't seem to un-build them. Please come find me.
• Please give me the ability (and desire!) to talk to people – to ask for help, to reach out and offer encouragement... I'm not really sure what to ask, I'm in such unfamiliar territory here...

October 28, 2009

I'm struggling to figure out how to move forward. I know Christian gets frustrated with me, and I with him. Sometimes I think how much freer my world would be if I could communicate without a filter, like he does. But oftentimes that results in my getting mixed and conflicting data about where I stand – where I've come from, what I'm moving toward.

Now, I'm an intelligent, thoughtful adult. Whyever would I base my vision of myself on my counselor's unfiltered musings? Because I can't see myself clearly at present. So when he tells me that God is doing amazing things in my life, I try to take it on faith. Which leads inexhorably to pitfalls: Because then, when he tells me I need another voice in my life, that I need more vision than he can give me, what my hyper-sensitive brain hears is: God's not really doing amazing things in your life. You're beyond help. You're more than I'm willing or able to deal with. I hear I am once again a failure, that he is giving up on me and farming me out, and I shut down. (Which proves his theory.)

October 27, 2009

It's Tuesday night, and since there's no "South Pacific" tonight, it's time for Explorers group, working through Traveling Light: Modern Meditations on St. Paul's Letter of Freedom.

Why do I mention this? Because Peterson's extrapolations and sweeping generalities about FREEDOM (specifically how easy it is to acquire: "It's right there. It's a gift. Just reach up and receive it!") are really starting to piss me off. Enough with your vague over-generalizations! Let's get right down to it: HOW?!? No, I don't expect my faith and personal relationship with God to be broken down into some banal formula, but stop telling me how easy it is and give me some actual, practical guidance, wonder boy!

October 23, 2009

It's a dark, rainy afternoon.
I haven't written anything for weeks. No wonder things are starting to seep through the edges of my defenses...

What happened Sunday? (Big meltdown during "Benediction" at worship in the lobby). It was as if I had turned everything off when I started to get sick (pneumonia, etc.), shut down, but the crap didn't go away – it just got backlogged and then when the barrier broke I got the dubious privilege of feeling everything (or at least all the bad stuff) all at the very same time.

I'm running spot for the run of "South Pacific" at MCT, because Christian thinks it will be good for me to follow through on something. Who knows – he may even prove to be right, although thus far I'm not having any fun at all. It's intensely frustrating... and I'm failing to sleep again... and my hard-won skills of praying out loud seem to have degraded back in the direction whence they came... and now that so many of my defenses are down I'm scared and shaky all the time... and I can't seem to get what I believe to travel from (or with) my head down into my heart... and I'm frustrated with God, and all this bloody talk of freedom...

October 8, 2009

Yes, I see the huge gap between entries. There are tons of quotes in my journal; just none of my own words... Maybe it's all in the worship guides? I know this entry certainly morphed into one:]

What does it mean to be authentic? What does authenticity look like? If we throw terminology around indiscriminately, we end up lost in a semantic labyrinth. C.S. Lewis says – Behave as if what you believe is true, and the reality will follow, sink in. That prayer offered in the state of dryness is most pleasing to God. Is that not fake? Pretending?

Peterson says in Traveling Light that we are so easily swayed by what others think/say about us that we quickly fall into the trap of trying to live by someone else's script, guidelines, code. How does relinquishing all control to Jesus somehow free us up to be who we are truly meant to be?

It seems a hopeless dichotomy, syllogism. In short, it sounds impossible. But "incomprehensible" is NOT the same as impossible. And to take something on faith does not in any way imply shutting off your brain and allowing someone (whether big S or small s) to control you like some automaton. If that's the kind of creature God had in mind, why in heaven or on earth would He have given us free will? Look at all the horrors that has caused. But you have to see the Big Picture. It was so important for us to have a shot at true freedom and authenticity that God's only Son had to die to reclaim that gift for us. Imagine what refusing that gift must feel like to Him. He delights in our authenticity, because He created us to be who we are, and living anything less (any smaller) than that is stepping outside His plan.

September 11, 2009

Not awake yet, but making the effort to get up and read and pray w/ Christian and the kids at 6:30 each morning. And Scout's learning to enjoy playing in the garden. Chiropractor soon...