Questions of the day:
1. How are you dealing with the low-grade or high-intensity anger of those around you?
I don't really see anger in those around me, at least not directed at me. Yes, I get yelled out, but it seems to flow mostly from frustration and disappointment, that I either just don't get it or am refusing to see what's right in front of me. The problem is that I do see it, and I can't figure out what to do with it.
Yesterday, I broke before worship. Everyone was just trying to be kind, but it had taken everything I had just to be there, and I broke under the pressure. Being sociable was beyond me. Every time anyone talked to or touched me I burst into tears. So I pulled away, just trying to hold together. How is that me rejecting God's answer to my prayers? I was trying to see the answer in just being given the strength to get out of bed and make it through worship, but I guess that's not good enough.
2. Is there a place where God is calling you to face your own anger, and as you do, what new things is he calling you to do?
Well, you started to see the anger leaking out in the above response. Yes, I'm facing my anger, and repenting of it. It keeps coming back, because the people who love me get so frustrated that I can't seem to function on their timetable. I'm not keeping up, and they get frustrated, and I feel like a failure, and that leads me to despair... And the cycle starts all over again.
I don't think it's anything "new" that God's calling me to do. He's calling me to trust – that he's good, and that he's in control. That doesn't sound like actively "doing" very much, but it's a tough one for me, and I keep getting sidetracked by my circumstances. And actively rebelling against them. So right now it's all I can do to wake up each morning and say, "Lord, it's another day – please help me to live as if these things are true. Please protect me from my own stupidity, and please help me to rest in where you have me right now, today."
I spent a week on the other hateful depression drug, Pristiq, but think I have to go back off that as well. The side effects haven't been too bad – except (and yes, this is, ironically, an official side effect of this drug) that it seems to be making the suicidal thoughts way worse. I know that at least Christian gets mad when I even mention such things, and I don't say it to get attention or make anyone any more worried than you already are, but they're there and they're real and the drugs are making it worse. So once again, it's back to just me and God... and you guys, when you have time to lend a hand.
That's all I've got. Thanks for listening.
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I looked back in my journal and didn't write any answers to the questions from this reading. So I'll just give you some thoughts on what I'm seeing in your answers. Hope this is helpful...
ReplyDelete1. Do you see how "me-centered" your answer to #1 is? It's all about you. God doesn't let you off the hook - even on your bad days. Do you realize that you may have shown up, but you didn't worship, because you rejected people. What is worship? "Love the Lord your God...AND...love others as yourself." If you fail to do that, you fundamentally fail to worship.
Now the answer isn't to try harder to love others better at worship or to despair in the fact that you suck at it.
The answer is to realize that God doesn't love you because of your ability to worship through love of others. It's to realize (and cling) to Christ, resting in the fact that he loved and received others the way you are called to (and better than you ever can). So clinging to Christ in this situation looks like responding to your own despairing and condemning thoughts by saying to yourself, "I'm not condemned because Christ did love perfectly and I'm not claiming my ability, but his."
2. In the first paragraph do you see that you are actually blaming everyone else for your anger? That isn't repentance. Repentance only happens when you see the root of your anger.
Why are you getting angry in the first place? What do you want that you perceive you aren't going to get? Or what do you have that you don't want to lose? Those are two very typical reasons we get angry.
I think God might be calling you to see the real source of your anger - it isn't our timetable, but your deeper desires that are causing your anger. Your job is to really evaluate what you want that you aren't getting.
One of the dangers in this medium is that it can be difficult reading someone write what I just did. It can be easily "mis-read" because there isn't a person sitting in front of you. Please let me know if these are hard to receive in writing. I'm still not sure if this is the best medium.
Yes, I see the danger of the medium.
ReplyDeleteNone of my worship counted, because I didn't do it up to the right standards? I did what I could, what I thought God gave me the strength to do, and it sure felt like worship. But to you it looks like failure.
It seems you're also saying that my repentance isn't worth anything, because I'm not doing it right. I'm looking for the roots of my anger, but again, not finding them on your timetable to you looks like failure to repent at all... or worse, like I'm not even trying.
I'm taking very small steps, and trying to reach out to tell you- both with what God is doing, and how I am processing it. But yeah, what you wrote just now feels way more like condemnation than like insight into how to move deeper.
On a brighter note, the second part of your first answer IS helpful. Thank you.
What I'm not seeing is how answers to questions about me are supposed to NOT come out sounding me-centered. This is a self-discovery exercise, right?
First of all, let me just say that I'm just throwing out stuff for you to think about. I'm not actually saying that your worship was a failure.
ReplyDeleteWhat I'm trying to say is that if you think you can come to worship and reject people while you are there, then you've missed what true worship is. That's all I was trying to point out. The bigger issue is what makes your worship (whether it is Sunday morning or life outside of Sunday morning) a success or failure has nothing to do with how well you do it. Instead it is a success only if it is done by faith.
Here's an illustration - typos in the worship guide. Should we try to have the "perfect" worship guide? Absolutely - but we should try for that because we love God and want to give him our very best. But if we do our best and still make mistakes our worship is acceptable only because we are resting in Christ to perfect it (even though it may be imperfect).
The flip side is true too. If we create the "perfect" worship guide and then come to God and say "look how good this worship guide is" he won't accept it even though it may appear perfect. In other words, even the best worship guide is shit apart from Christ because "anything not done in faith is sin."
Does that make sense?
As for the repentance thing, I was trying to articulate that if you say you are trying to repent for your anger, but then say that your anger is a result of what everyone else is doing, then you just justified your anger and therefore are not actually being broken by it. Instead you are probably just feeling bad or guilty for getting angry and thinking, "I shouldn't have gotten angry." But you aren't actually repenting of what caused the anger. Instead you see the cause of your anger as everyone else and therefore outside of your control.
What I'm trying to say is that your anger is coming from within you. And I'm encouraging you to dig deeper and ask yourself these questions to try and figure out the true source. Once you see that I'll bet it will be convicting and then you'll be able to truly repent for it.
Hope that clarifies.