August 20, 2009

The rising sun is just now hitting the hills on the far shore of the river, as I sit in the Stevens' cagin on the Big Horn, on vacation with the Cryder's.

I've missed a big chunk. Through chance and struggle and God, I ended up going backpacking with Christian, Malachi, and Rebekah. With no preparation or planning. Sorry for the lack of warning for my extended disappearance, Scout!

Not sure why I feel so reluctant to get this back up to date. It's as if putting it on paper will somehow make it less real, or pollute the purity of the memories. I had a great time in the Beartooths. Unbelievable. Indescribable. Now I sit here with Jack as the family sleeps on.

Detail soon, but first, here are the questions I'm supposed to answer: How do I see myself spiritually, a year ago, and today? What has God been doing? And, what would it look like for Marilyn and I to be 'intentional' (Christian loves that word) about becoming closer friends?

I find I possess very little in the way of vocabulary to answer such questions. I may have to rephrase, and even then I don't believe I can answer them with any degree of clarity or assurance...

My brain is overflowing. Which (counterintuitively) makes me want to commit to paper nothing at all. Because that means I'll have to deal with it. And contrary to what Christian says (and believes) with such conviction, just getting it all out there does not, by the very act, make it better. Yes, spilling my guts on Mike and Clarice's "treehouse deck" made it better for him, helped him understand what was going on and (maybe) what he can do to help, or at least not exacerbate the problems, but it made me feel like crap. For the rest of the day, at least. Particularly since he insisted on continuing to poke the sore spot the entire drive from Billings to Hardin. I know he's just trying to help, but... Again, why is the need for a quiet day so unacceptable?

[And now I'm skipping my boring factual recap of our fabulous Beartooths adventures...]